NO EYEBROWS, NO MERCY

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Transmission #1: The Apocalypse is Still Coming, Be It Ever So Far Away…

Hello, friends. It’s been about five months since I last reported on the apocalypse. I was convinced that SuperStorm Sandy was the beginning of the end and decided to hunker down in my nuclear fallout shelter and binge-watch The Walking Dead while marking the days left until the Mayan apocalypse in chalk on one of the shelter’s walls.

On the 57th day of my self-imposed exile, I realized that the day of reckoning  should have come and gone and decided to hazard a peek at the outside world. I was startled to learn that nothing had happened and that the world was comfortably hurtling towards 2013. My disappointment led me to retreat from society once again to reflect upon the painful realization that all I had ever truly believed had been wrong. I’ve spent the last 90 days purging my demons and meditating upon the question of to what I should devote the rest of my life, now that it seems I have been granted more precious time upon this godforsaken planet. A conundrum the likes of which I have not been confronted in many years.

I slowly began to parse my way through the current news cycles and came to the conclusion that the apocalypse is certainly still upon us, but perhaps the end is not quite so nigh as I had so naively believed. With that, I have decided to continue my dutiful reports on  the state of our coming eternal disunion from the Earth. Without further ado, here are my findings from the past week.

Blips on our radar:

•  Ladies and gentleman, we have a pope. Jorge Bergoglio has been elected as the 266th and last pope of all time, Pope Francis I. Bergoglio tweeted, “Queridos amigos, os doy las gracias de corazon y os ruego que sigais rezando por mi. Papa Francisco.” Which can be roughly translated as, “Beloved friends, I can truthfully say with an open heart that I will faithfully run the Catholic Church into the ground and hasten our eventual demise. Papa Frank out, bitches. Amen.” 
  
• In order to ensure that Pope Francis has plenty to deal with during his first few days, the news broke just days before his election that the Vatican had purchased an apartment block in Rome that houses the largest gay sauna in Europe. The sauna is famous for its bear nights, in which a large, hairy individual strips down before donning the garb of a priest and , according to the sauna’s web site, “remaining in a thong, because he wants to expose body and soul.” You really can’t make this stuff up.
• Staying in the thoroughly bizarre realm of Italian news, we come to the story of researchers who have coated pieces of cloth in the sperm of herrings and discovered that it makes the cloth flame retardant. The study’s hypothesis was reportedly conceived in the bowels of Europe’s largest gay sauna during a performance in which a “bear” catches a “herring” in its mouth. Don’t worry, I’m thoroughly disappointed in myself for having thought of this joke, too.
• Seismologists in California have successfully created an early monitoring system that can alert scientists of an impending earthquake roughly thirty seconds before it occurs, which means that when the earth-shattering tremor that will spell out our last moments of existence finally arrives, we will be given half a minute longer to ponder the meaninglessness of the short time we’ve spent here. Use that time wisely, compatriots.
• Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro has accused Hugo Chavez’s enemies of infecting him with cancer, because Maduro totally understands how cancer works. Rich, powerful nations like the United States just have test tubes of it lying around in case they need to have an enemy die a slow, painful death. C’mon, dude, you might not like us very much, but we’re not the fucking villains from James Bond films.
• Speaking of people who are like the villains in Bond films, a story on Gawker comes with the headline, “Vladimir Putin and Steven Seagal Had Lunch Together Today, Are Apparently Close Friends,” because nobody, not even Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un, have an unlikely bromance as magical as these two. The meeting was evidently in support of Putin’s desire to re-instate a Soviet-era physical fitness program that would make Joseph Stalin blush. Uh, good luck with that?
• Not to be outdone, Dennis Rodman flew to Rome with the intent to meet with Pope Francis and continue to “spread a message of peace and love throughout the world.” Because that’s what he’s been up to lately.
• After Rodman’s visit to North Korea, the country acted upon his message of peace and love by nullifying their 1953 armistice with South Korea. Kim Jong Un reiterated his new policy of peace and love by ordering his soldiers to “deliver a merciless retaliatory strike” should any South Korean set foot across the border. It’s almost difficult to imagine these two countries not getting along.
• As further proof that Rodman’s visit has promoted harmony between North Korea and America, The U.S. announced that it will add 14 interceptors to its missile defense system on the West Coast and North Korea responded by testing a pair of new short-range missiles. Good news all around!
• In lighter news, giant pandas in southern China were shown panda porn in an attempt to enhance the animals’ notoriously low libidos. It sounds bizarre, but the tactic worked, which is excellent news for China, a country that has consistently encouraged its population to have as much sex as possible in an effort to stimulate population growth. “As many kids as possible!,” as the famous Chinese proverb goes.
• Perhaps inspired by a vigorous session of panda porn, a 20-year-old Wisconsin man has been banned from “all the libraries on the face of the earth” after being caught openly masturbating in the Racine Public Library. The ruling seems a little harsh. Who can resist pleasuring him or herself with all the visual stimulation available in most libraries? Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
• A man in Maryland died after contracting rabies from an infected kidney transplant. The Centers for Disease Control released a statement saying that the benefits of organ transplants “generally outweigh the risks.” The CDC then added, “y’know, except in the case where a man dies because he was given a kidney with rabies. You win some, you lose some. Who could’ve known that the organ donor died of rabies, am I right?”
• In a new study released by the Pew Research Center, more fathers than mothers feel that they don’t spend enough time with their kids, despite the fact that fathers now spend three times as much time with their kids as they did in 1965. In the same study, more mothers have expressed a desire to work full-time. So, to recap, dads feel like they’re working too much and wanna see their kids more, whereas moms feel like they’re spending too much time with their kids and wish they could work more. Anybody else see a pretty simple solution here?

Reporting from the brink of Armageddon,

Michael J. Carlos

“For the apocalypse is most likely already upon us. I shall not repent.”

P.S. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Last Year on Earth - Day #56: The Halloween Frankenstorm Cometh

This week’s blips on our radar:

• Banana Boat sunscreen products sold in Canada have reportedly been burning people and have the potential to light on fire. Follow-up question that nobody asked: Who the hell is applying sunscreen in Canada IN OCTOBER?
• Elsewhere in that hilariously ass backwards country that lies to the north, a mad scientist has been casually spraying 100 tons of iron dust into the waters of the Pacific ocean off Canada’s western coast in the hopes that the iron will attract plankton and help to increase the local salmon population for the benefit of fishermen. Where does a person even find 100 tons of iron dust? From READE SuperSite, of course, Your Higher Technology Specialty Chemicals Resource! In my head, I imagine that there are two guys who started the New York City pharmacy chain Duane Reade, one named Duane and one named Reade, and one day Reade decided that enough was enough and he was sick of selling cigarettes and hair care products to NYU students and was ready to start selling high-level chemicals to zany NYU professors and that, my friends, is the story of how READE SuperSite came into being.
• Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got married, killing the twin parts of my soul that loved 7th Heaven and also rejoiced when JT brought sexy back. We were going to play basketball together, Mary Camden! How could you crush my nine-year-old dreams like that? And Justin. Now that you’re married, can you put out a new fucking album of music already? The acting career is cute and everything, but the world desperately needs more future sex and love sounds, now more than ever.
• Madonna pretended to fire guns into the audience at a concert of hers. In Denver. Less than three months after 12 people were killed and another 58 injured when a lunatic gunman opened fire on the audience of a showing of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado. To add insult to injury, she also made them sit through an entire Madonna concert, a cruelty I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemies.
• Pope Benedict XVI named 7 new saints, including the first Native American to be canonized by the Catholic Church. In a statement, the Pope said, “What the hell, why not? It’s not like the Church wields any authority anymore anyway, amirite?!” The new saints’ names are: Eric, Annie, Matt, Mary, Lucy, Simon, and Ruthie. Two others, David and Sam, just missed the cut.
• Justin Timberlake called his wedding day “magical,” breaking the hearts of million of girls the world over and at least one very nostalgic boy. You were my sun. You were my earth. You don’t have to say what you did. I already know. I found out from him. Now there’s just no chance for you and me. There’ll never be. And don’t it make you sad about it?
• Northern California received up to two feet of snow in some places, providing further evidence the day of reckoning will soon be upon us as the world becomes awash in snow and brimstone. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. I need to think about this.
• After Barack Obama made Mitt Romney look silly on live television during the final debate before the election by quipping that “we have fewer horses and bayonets, too” in response to Romney’s assertion that we have fewer ships in the Navy today than we had in 1917, Republican VP candidate Paul Ryan came out guns blazing, telling Obama that “the ocean hasn’t shrunk,” a statement that has literally nothing to do with anything. I can’t believe there’s a possibility this asshat will one day be the president.
• Hurricane Sandy blasted its way through Cuba this week on its way towards the East Coast, determined to ruin Halloween. Luckily, Fidel Castro had recovered sufficiently from his recent stroke to handle the matter as he handles all high-stakes confrontations: by defeating Hurricane Sandy in a bare-knuckle boxing match after drinking a bottle of Tequila and smoking a box of cigars. Viva La Revolucion!
• Downtrodden after her (his?) loss, Sandy continues northward towards the United States, land of promise and opportunity, determined to make something of herself (himself?) anyway. Meanwhile, that badass California snowstorm continues its trek across the country, headed for the bright lights of Broadway after conquering the subdued sepia tones of the Bay Area. Uh oh, these developments combined with Monday’s full moon sound like we’re on a collision course for the much-prophesied…
• …uptick in new orders for durable goods by U.S. consumers during the month of September as estimated by the U.S. Census Bureau! Wait, that can’t be right. Let me look over my notes…hmm…yes, I think I’ve found it…the much-prophesied return of…
• …FRANKENSTORM! A storm so diabolical, so antithetical to the laws of nature, so abominable that it can only be discussed in hushed tones so as to not upset the gods. Sorry that Halloween is ruined, kids, but adults get a little crazy when it comes to the weather. Even if this storm ends up being nothing more than a little extra wind and some early snowfall, there’s no chance your parents let you venture out for trick-or-treating. There goes the last Halloween ever. Throw on some Timberlake and watch a 7th Heaven marathon while you cry into your mug of hot chocolate, it’s gonna be a sad one.

Reporting from the brink of Armageddon,

Michael J. Carlos

“For the apocalypse is most likely already upon us. I shall not repent.”

Last Year on Earth - Day #63: Men In Gitis and Women In Binders

This week’s blips on our radar:

• Let’s break down this whole meningitis scare piece by piece: Last weekend it came out that the New England Compounding Center in Massachusetts had been supplying doctors and clinics with a steroid contaminated with meningitis without requiring patient names or prescriptions, which is totally against the law and has now endangered the lives of 14,000 Americans, if not more. So good job, NECC, for doing your part to hasten our demise. Bravo!
• This bombshell prompted the fine folks at the Center for Disease Control & Prevention and the Food & Drug Administration to actually do their damn jobs and investigate the matter as reports of meningitis climb in several states, most severely Tennessee. Normally, I like to discourage authority figures from doing their jobs as it tends to curb the effects of apocalyptic developments such as this one, but the officials at the CDC and the FDA are so inept that I’m sure they’ll only exacerbate the problem. Please, ladies and gentlemen, proceed.
• Boom! Right on cue, the FDA raided the NECC’s offices in a largely symbolic effort to prove that they were a big-boy agency just like the DEA and the FBI. The NECC’s confused lawyer had this to say, “It is difficult to understand the purpose of this search, since we have been clear that (NECC) would provide, and has provided, anything requested. We’ve been clear that warrants weren’t needed.” Keep up the comically poor work, FDA.
• On Thursday, four full days after the NECC admitted that the vials of steroids they sent out were contaminated, the FDA announced that the vials were indeed infected with a rare fungus that can cause meningitis. Oh boy. Instead of PBS, can Mitt Romney vow to shut down the FDA? I bet Big Bird could do a better job than them. Just saying.
• Speaking of Romney, after he got his ass whooped by President Obama in Tuesday’s town hall debate, the bleeding continued into the next day as the Internet had a field day with his comment that he has “binders full of women.” This is one of the guys who could be sitting in the Oval Office come January? Thank God the world will have ended by then.
• Three new planets have been discovered over the past few weeks. The first is twice the size of Earth and consists mainly of diamonds. Twinkle twinkle, motherfucker. The second planet is six times the size of Earth and is illuminated by four suns. The diamond planet is super jealous. And the third planet is about the same size as Earth and has three different suns, at which  point the diamond planet turned off the TV and stormed out of the living room yelling “Screw you guys!!! I could totally have more than one sun if I wanted to. You guys don’t even have fucking diamonds. I’m almost all diamond, bitches!!!” Her friends forgive her because she’s just been going through some tough stuff at home recently.
• A new study suggests injections of young blood can help to reverse or slow some of the effects of aging, a process the late Kim Jong Il was very familiar with. The lunatic dictator of North Korea allegedly injected himself with the blood of young virgins to help keep himself vigorous. Whoa, what the fuck is this story about? I’m sorry I ever brought it up. Please, readers, I implore you. Do not try to get your hands on the blood of virgins. I promise it won’t end well.
• Fellow crazy dictator Fidel Castro has had a stroke and is currently in a neurovegetative state. Quick, readers, get all the virgin blood you’ve been collecting to Cuba as soon as you can! There’s still time, Fidel! THERE’S STILL TIME!!!!
• U.S violent crime is up, so maybe don’t go outside so much everybody?
• A 10-foot snake was found on the tarmac at Key West Airport in Florida. So DEFINITELY do not go outside if you are in Florida. Also, a snake was literally trying to get on a plane. You gotta appreciate the irony.
• Hurricane Paul was downgraded to just a Category 2 storm earlier in the week, presumable because the name Hurricane Paul inspires fear into the hearts of nobody. Want proof? A tourist in San Diego went for a walk on the beach with his wife in the midst of the storm because, in his own words, “It’s only rain falling from the clouds.” 
• There was an earthquake in Maine but New Englanders need not be worried because it’s only the sudden release of seismic energy from the Earth’s crust. Perhaps today’s a good day for a stroll along the beach, no?

Reporting from the brink of Armageddon,

Michael J. Carlos

“For the apocalypse is most likely already upon us. I shall not repent.”

Last Year on Earth - Day #84: Disputed Territories and The Death & Rebirth of Hope

This week’s blips on our radar:

• Chinese ships entered disputed waters on Monday, rankling the Japanese, who claim the territory to be their own. I doubt this will turn into a massive conflict that has implications the world over, especially since the Chinese don’t even have aircraft carriers. 
• On Tuesday, China added an aircraft carrier to its naval fleet. Shit, looks like I was dead wrong. I’m still not too concerned, since only Japan has taken issue with China’s mobilization and no other Asian powers are involved.
• Later on Tuesday, some Taiwanese fishing boats entered the disputed territory in the East China Sea. Fuck, I was wrong again. The Japanese Coast Guard took issue, and fired upon the boats with….water cannons? Seriously? Did they think a bunch of smelly, filthy men who spend most of their time elbow deep in fish were going to be bothered by, of all things, water? I don’t think we have to worry about this conflict escalating further.
• The West Nile virus has really been a problem in Texas this year. So much so that Reuters decided to run a story about a Texas doctor who saw something and said something. Specifically, Dr. Haley said this after noticing two dead blue jays in his driveway: “It’s unusual to see dead birds lying in the open.” Dr. Haley is the Head Practitioner of Obvious, Non-informative Statements Given to the Media Under Duress of the West Nile Virus at the University of Fake Titles, Dallas. He can be reached by placing dead bluejays all over his yard in the form of your question. Don’t worry, he’s a sharp guy—he’ll totally understand why those dead birds are just lying out in the open.
• Staten Island is planning on building the world’s tallest Ferris wheel. When asked why, Mayor Bloomberg responded, “Who the fuck knows? Why did I decide to ban drinking soda? These things just happen sometimes.” But people close to the mayor have intimated that the real reason is to differentiate Staten Island from the garbage dump that is New Jersey and that he may or may not have had his life threatened by the mafioso bankrolling the project. Who’s to say?
• The iPhone 5 has sold out. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” screamed exactly nobody. It’s just not as much fun without Steve Jobs. Rest in peace, you magnificent bastard.
• The South Korean Navy has fired shots at North Korean ships crossing a disputed border in the Yellow Sea. Here we go! That’s how you mark your motherfucking territory, bitches. Japan could learn a thing or two from South Korea. Side note: why doesn’t anybody in Asia get that you can’t own the ocean?
• Arnold Schwarzennegger has started a new think tank. Wait, that can’t be right. He must’ve meant to say a new tank tank, right? Yeah, it’s definitely tank tank. No way Arnold could start his own think tank. That would be like him getting elected Governor of California or being afraid of the Kennedy family.
• A new virus has been discovered in the Middle East that is very much like SARS, that disease that made everybody (and by everybody, I mean Asian people only) wear masks over their mouths while walking around in public. Sounds like a pretty good excuse to nuke the Middle East, amirite everybody? Hello? Nobody with me? I need to hang out with fewer East Coast liberals and take some of these jokes to the South. Rednecks would be eating this shit up right now.
• More wildfires in California. I thought wildfire season was over. I guess these natural disasters will just continue until the world is inevitably destroyed. This whole apocalypse thing is getting kind of depressing.
• The adorable Panda cub born less than two weeks ago at the National Zoo has died of unknown causes. God, could things get any more depressing? I just need a little glimmer of hope! Anything to get me out of these doldrums.
• The Mars Curiosity Rover has discovered evidence that water was most likely present on the planet in the distant past. The next step for the Rover will be to analyze the sands of Mars in an attempt to detect carbon, which would indicate that life may have been present on the planet in the past as well. That’s kind of hopeful news, right? Except when you think about it too long and realize that Mars could have been home to a civilization just like ours billions of years ago and now there’s nothing left of those beings save some handfuls of dust that may or may not even contain the most basic ingredient necessary for life. My hope is fleeting.
• And last but not least, just when you think you’re out of luck, the fickle gods of fate bestow a glorious gift upon humanity: The NFL referee lockout has been resolved and this weekend’s games will feature the much-heralded return of the one and only Ed Hochuli, who tweeted that he got down and started doing push-ups as soon as he heard the good news. God bless you, Mr. Hochuli! Here’s the approximate response by football fans nationwide. Seriously, click on that link. You won’t regret it.

Reporting from the brink of Armageddon,

Michael J. Carlos

“For the apocalypse is most likely already upon us. I shall not repent.”

Last Year on Earth: Day #98: The Joy & Terror of Being Under 100

Well, the time has certainly just flown right by. Here we are, with just a tick under 100 days left and I’m feeling…

Nothing unusual at all. I’m no more excited than I was a year ago, nor am I more afraid of the coming apocalypse. Perhaps I’ve ruined this experience for myself by constantly looking for signs that confirm the end of days is nigh. 

Nevertheless, the last year on earth is just about to enter its final quarter and this fact alone should be reason enough to get out there and celebrate all the time we’ve been given to spend on this earth and make the best of what little time we have left.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, people.

Blips on our radar:

• The UK, France & Germany AKA The Awkward Divorced Parents Love Triangle of Old Europe has suggested to the rest of the failing European Union that they impose more sanctions on Iran while emphasizing that the other countries were old enough now to make these types of decisions for themselves but that Mommy & Daddy and Daddy’s kinda-strict-but-much-younger-and-prettier-than-Mommy special friend think it would be a good idea if maybe they didn’t hang out with Iran so much, or some other parenting analogy that would fit this situation more appropriately. It’s been a long week. I’m too tired to tell if this metaphor makes any goddamn sense or not.
• To confuse things even further, some random Israeli official started a nasty rumor that President Barack Obama had totally rejected Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s request to hang out next time he’s in the U.S. supposedly because Obama was unhappy with all this Iran business going on. However, some of the cooler kids at school think it’s because Netanyahu started going by Bibi, which Barack The Rock thinks is the lamest nickname ever.
• Anyway, Obama-lama-ding-dong, which is the disparaging name that Yahu the Wahoo’s loser friends came up with, decided to be the bigger man in all this and just fucking call Benjamin on the phone to sort this whole mess out and put the Iran situation behind them. Good job, Bam-Bam. Keep up the good work so we don’t have to deal with Mitt-Mitt the Nitwit should we somehow survive Armageddon.
• After a pair of tornadoes touched down in Brooklyn, a volcano erupted in Nicaragua, and the Arctic ice shelf continued to melt at a record pace, I think it’s safe to say that nature is doing its best to warn us of the impending doom. There’s just nobody there to listen. So it goes.
• The Taliban has threatened to kidnap and murder Prince Harry now that he has returned to Afghanistan after his naked jaunt through Las Vegas. for some reason, I get the uneasy feeling that people won’t really take this threat seriously or even care enough to stop it….
• And it’s confirmed! The Secretary-General of NATO, Anders Fogh Rasmussen, which if we’re being honest sounds exactly like the name of a James Bond villain, said of the threat, “That’s not a matter of concern.” Well, it’s been nice knowing you, Harry. Say hello to Richard Dawson for us when you reach the other side.
• An Ohio teenager got sucked into a drainage sewer while riding his bike through floodwater and luckily, emerged alive after being swept about a quarter of a mile through the sewers. There’s some kind of joke to be made about the state of professional sports in Ohio and being sucked into a sewer, but I’m too lazy to figure it out. The lesson as always, God hates Cleveland.
• Chris Brown got a neck tattoo of Rihanna’s beaten and bloodied face then tried to act like it wasn’t a fucking neck tattoo of the face of the woman he savagely beat with not only his closed fists but also his cell phone. Seriously,  fuck that guy. I hope the world lasts long enough for some sort of karmic justice to come his way. Nothing would be too cruel for this arrogant motherfucker.
• Scientists have discovered a new species of monkey in the Congo. Perhaps they will evolve to replace us as the dominant species of primate following the collapse of humanity in a couple of months. One thing’s for sure, their bulging, inquisitive eyes have pierced my soul!
• Cops are afraid of former precocious child actor Amanda Bynes, particularly when she gets behind the wheel of a car after/while smoking some pot.
• NYC’s Board of Health has approved Mayor Bloomberg’s draconian proposition to ban the sale of large quantities of soda at restaurants, movie theaters, etc. Have we learned nothing from the Volstead Act?!
• McDonald’s has decided to post the calorie information for their food on their restaurants’ menus in addition to testing healthier foods. Sellouts! When are you assholes gonna learn that nobody wants to know how fucking unhealthy your food is nor to purchase healthier items from you instead. WE JUST WANT YOU TO BRING BACK THE MCRIB AND LEAVE US ALONE WHILE WE HASTILY CONSUME IT IN A DISGUSTINGLY ANIMALISTIC DISPLAY OF THE GLUTTONOUS UNDERBELLY OF NAKED CAPITALIST AMBITION. See? No need to act responsibly towards your customers or treat them with any respect.
• But in the week’s biggest news, Apple has finally unveiled the iPhone 5, a device so technologically advanced and utterly gorgeous that it will strip mankind of the will to live and we will subsequently wilt under the sway of its perfection. Modernity, feast your eyes on the product of your endless pursuit  of progress.

Reporting from the brink of Armageddon,

Michael J. Carlos

“For the apocalypse is most likely already upon us. I shall not repent.”

Last Year on Earth: Day #105: The Home Stretch

With the Presidential election fast approaching, now is the time for promises. And with the apocalypse right on the election’s heels, I’d like to make some promises to all of you reading this from the relative comfort of wherever it is you sit.

I promise that I will be much more diligent and devoted to chronicling the many signs of the apocalypse that will surely occur over the next three-plus months.

I promise that nothing will escape my critical gaze.

I promise that I will fix the economy. (Whoops, got a bit too ambitious there.)

And I promise that I will post sarcastic remarks on the Internet for you to read. (That’s more like it.)

Because, really, what’s more important than enjoying the luxuries of technology while they’re still available to us?

A shitload of blips on the radar this week:

• People who visited Yosemite National Park this summer have been warned that they may have contracted a deadly mouse-borne hantavirus. There is no cure for the illness and 36% of people who contract the disease die from it. So there’s a pretty good chance that the disease will become an epidemic and severely diminish the population. Why isn’t this a bigger news story?
• Iran and North Korea have come to an agreement to share enemies and cooperate on scientific and technological research. Uh oh, sounds a lot like that time Germany and Japan tried to eradicate the rest of the world’s population. Confirming speculation was a recent play date between the Ayatollah Khamenei and crazy little dictator boy Kim Jong Un during which they checked out the Wikipedia entry for Eugenics, then quickly became bored and resorted to their old standby: melting ants with magnifying glasses. Most of the civilized world remains unconcerned; said the United Nations, “It’s just a phase. They’ll grow out of it.”
• Israel is not so sure, as Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called for the international community to draw a clear red line to get Iran to halt its nuclear program.The Secretary General of the Lebanese-based, Iranian-backed miltant group Hezbollah responded that Iran would attack U.S. military bases in the Middle East if Israel were to use force against Iran. Oh boy, looks like it’s time for President Barack Obama to flex some of that foreign policy muscle of his….
• Hello? Anybody? Where is Barack?
• …still waiting…
• There he is, just whipping up a batch of ice cold, super delicious, home-brewed White House Honey Ale! It really takes the edge off after a long day of campaigning for another four years of home-brewing in the Rose Garden.
• Well, that’s okay, at least we still have all those unmanned drones he’s been using to take out our enemies abroad. We’ll just send a few those bad boys out to…what’s that? The Pentagon just agreed to sell the drones to 66 different countries? The Number of the Beast! EVERYBODY PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Sorry about that, guys, my fact checkers have just informed me that the Number of the Beast is actually 666 so we should be all good. I can get a little carried away sometimes. False alarm.
• Anyway, until they get the go-ahead from Washington, Israel will just continue to preoccupy themselves with the Gaza Strip, where they recently killed three Palestinians who they claimed were part of a terrorist group. For fuck’s sake, maybe it’s time to start trying out other unpredictable, violent allies? Too bad North Korea just became BFFLs with Iran, because that psychotic little butterball of a leader just might be enacting some reforms in that backwards ass country. Eh, probably not. I guess we’re stuck with Israel for these last few months.
• A new study found that organic food is not any healthier than non-organic food. Suck it, hippies!
• McDonald’s has opened its first vegetarian-only restaurant in India, the signature menu item being the McAloo Tikki Burger, which is essentially potato paste between a bun. Cut the shit, Ronald, and just bring back the damn McRib already!
• The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has announced that this year’s outbreak of West Nile virus has been the worst ever. The head of Yosemite National Park immediately released all of the hantavirus-infected mice into public places. “Ha! Top that West Nile National Park!” he shouted to  the empty chairs that were once filled by the staff members who have long since abandoned him.
• Speaking of empty chairs….
• The only thing that could top that was the return of football and the final NFL season kickoff ever in a a game between the Giants and the Cowboys. It’s not like a political party’s national convention could ever top the viewership of primetime football in America, right? Wrong. But it wasn’t the Republicans. It was Bill Internfucking Clinton, whose speech at the Democratic National Convention on Wednesday drew in an estimated 25 million viewers to the Giants-Cowboys game’s 20 million. Whatever. The Giants lost anyway. Not that I care.
• Texas has decided to raise the speed limit on a stretch of highway from Austin to San Antonio from 80 mph to 85 mph, which is just fucking insane. Who needs to see The Alamo so badly anyway? Whatever, maybe a bunch of fucking Cowboys fans will all die in high-speed car accidents. Stupid Tony Romo.
• I’m sorry. My therapist has reminded me that wishing death upon people whom I have never met doesn’t solve anything. She’s right. I apologize for hoping you all die in violent, fiery car crashes, you stupid, hillbilly, redneck, gun-toting, inbreeding, yellow-bellied sons of bi—-(Ed. Note: The author has been placed on sabbatical and is seeking treatment for his anger management issues. The final blip of the column will be written by one of his interns.)
• Amanda Bynes has been charged with two hit-and-run car accidents. Don’t let that former Nickelodeon child star anywhere near Texas, amirite America? (Ed. Note: Ugh, we apologize for the poor quality of this joke. We’ll get somebody better for next week.)

Reporting from the brink of Armageddon,

Michael J. Carlos

“For the apocalypse is most likely already upon us. I shall not repent.”

Last Year on Earth: Day #126: Back to Business

Hello loyal readers!

I’m sorry for taking such an extended hiatus from covering all of the things that are wrong with the world and tallying the innumerable signs of the apocalypse that have been cropping up this year.

Unfortunately, I do have a real job that occasionally requires me to do actual work. This interferes with my ability to spend entire multiple-hour blocks of my time thinking up jokes and writing them on the Internet.

I know, it’s ridiculous, but I got bills to pay and alcohol to blow all my money on, so unless somebody feels like paying me to sit around reading the news and making stupid jokes, sometimes I gotta answer phone calls and look at Excel spreadsheets. It’s the worst.

Anyway, on to the main event.

Blips on our radar:

• There are a shitload more homeless people in New York this year than last, up 18%, in fact. We’ve all seen Bruce Almighty, they’re just getting ready to start carrying around signs that say “The End is Near” while slowly changing from white people into Morgan Freeman.
• A huge fire broke out in London over the weekend that firefighters there are calling the “largest fire in several years” because those lousy Brits keep notoriously vague records about this sort of thing. When Judgment Day finally arrives and the city is swallowed up by the flames of Hell, perhaps one of its residents will calmly proclaim, “Haven’t seen weather like this since I don’t know when,” to which his mate might reply, “Bollocks, what about those barmy wankers that were arses over elbows codswalloping the queen with their todgers?” I don’t like British people.
• The New York Times reported widespread use of racial profiling by TSA agents at Logan Airport, which is weird because people in Boston are never racist.
• Jerry Sandusky is penning the follow-up memoir to his previously published autobiography, Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story. Wait, what the fuck? There’s no way that’s really what it’s called. It’s like he wanted to get caught. Also, the book is going for $400 on Amazon. Seriously.
• Britney Spears and the Mars Curiosity Rover are apparently Twitter buddies. I don’t know what’s more disturbing, that Britney knows about the Mars Rover or that the NASA scientists handling the Mars Rover Twitter account called her “Brit Brit.” 
• WEST NILE OUTBREAK DOWN IN DALLAS! EVERYBODY GET OUT OF BIG D WHILE YOU STILL CAN! EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN TEXAS, INCLUDING THE MOSQUITOS, PEOPLE’S OVERREACTIONS TO MOSQUITOS, AND THE LETTERS OF THE ALPHABET DESCRIBING A STORY ABOUT THE MOSQUITOES AND PEOPLE’S OVERREACTIONS TO THEM!

Reporting from the brink of Armageddon,

Michael J. Carlos 

“For the apocalypse is most likely already upon us. I shall not repent.”

Last Year on Earth: Day #147: Birthday Break

Hello friends! Today is my birthday, and according to the Mayans, the last one I will ever celebrate. 

But don’t be sad. Rejoice! For today is that much more meaningful due to its finality.

Yikes, this got dark real quick. Anyway, I’m gonna take a break from my exhaustive research for the column this week (lol), which means I’m only gonna hit you with a select few hilarious jokes about the end of the world.

Blips on our radar:

• NBC News reported that King Juan Carlos (no relation) of Spain has lost his WWF title because he went elephant hunting. The Elephant Man, however, will not be stripped of the tag team belts he won with The Dragon King, Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck, ruler of Bhutan and formerly the youngest head of state, recently unseated by, who else, Kim Jong Un. And what’s that crazy little butterball of a dictator been up to in the past week?
• Well, before an Olympic women’s soccer match between North Korea and Colombia on Wednesday, the flag of South Korea was mistakenly displayed on the jumbotron instead of that of North Korea. Uh oh! You know this ain’t gon’ be purdy. (Side note: What the hell is the IOC doing scheduling matches between Colombia and North Korea? It’s like they want to get the starving population of North Korea hooked on cocaine.) How will Kim Jong Un respond? 
• Apparently by getting married to a pop singer, going on rides with white dudes at the opening ceremony for the amusement park Pleasureland (that’s really what it’s called), and saving 60 people from dying in a flood. Um, what the fuck is going on?
• Actor Sherman Hemsley is movin’ on up to an even more deluxe apartment in the sky as he passed away this week at the age of 74. I’m sorry guys, but I just had to make that joke. Anyway, say hello to Richard Dawson for us, Sherman!
• The first American woman in space, Sally Ride, also passed away this week while somehow one-upping the news of her own death by coming out as gay. Reuters reported the story with the hilariously poorly worded headline, “After death, Sally Ride reveals she was gay,” an impressive feat indeed.
• Well, that makes two celebrity deaths this week, begging the question: Who is or will be the third? Two candidates have emerged from last week: John Atta Mills, President of Ghana (Ring a bell? No? Okay then) or Chad Everett, an actor who played a surgeon on the lazily-named 1970s medical drama Medical Center (Nothing familiar here, either? All right. I guess we’ll wait until next week to declare the third member of the trifecta).

Reporting from the brink of Armageddon,

Michael J. Carlos 

“For the apocalypse is most likely already upon us. I shall not repent.”

Weekend Playlist: Inspired by Frank Ocean

Last Tuesday, Frank Ocean dropped his major label debut, channel ORANGE, but that was back when everything was normal, before the Internet blew up because everybody was talking about Frank Ocean. Well, I’m gonna throw myself into the fracas here and say that the hype is well worth it.

This album is a masterpiece. Intensely personal while still providing that elusive hook that separates the big boys, like Ocean, from the pretenders, like Drake. (EDITOR’S NOTE: I really hate Drake.) Thought-provoking enough to listen to on the subway and really hear the message; smooth and soulful enough to throw on late at night when you’re ready for some lovin’.

Without further ado, here’s a baker’s dozen of tracks by Frank Ocean and others who share his musical sensibilities:

1. Frank Ocean - “Thinkin’ Bout You” channel ORANGE

If this song doesn’t make you feel something, you should probably get that cold black hole where your heart should be checked out by a doctor. Ocean’s vocal power comes from his ability to effortlessly slide from delivering a verse in his normal range to belting out a catchy-as-fuck chorus in falsetto. Trust me, this will be stuck in your head all day.

2. Prince - “If I Was Your Girlfriend” Sign o’ the Times 

Ocean reminds me a little bit of Prince, though obviously the purple Yoda from Minnesota brings considerably more funk. Perhaps Frank Ocean just needs to purify himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. Game. Blouses.

3. Justin Timberlake - “What Goes Around…/…Comes Around Interlude” FutureSex/LoveSounds

The last massive release by a popular artist with R&B leanings that I enjoyed as much as channel ORANGE. Come back to music, Justin! The shitty romantic comedies will be there when you get back.

4. Frank Ocean - “Pyramids” channel ORANGE

This is the second single he released from the album. It’s over nine minutes long. Yeah, he’s that guy.

5. Jay-Z & Kanye West - “No Church in the Wild” Watch the Throne

Frank Ocean is featured on this track that has somehow already become a staple of movie trailers where people shoot each other with guns or are set in the 1920s. You know, or both.

6. Frank Ocean - “Lost” channel ORANGE

I secretly might like this song more than any other one on the album. It’s definitely the most fun, but on an album as painfully honest as this one, that’s not necessarily all that surprising.

7. OutKast - “Happy Valentine’s Day” Speakerboxxx/The Love Below

Another song that secretly might be my favorite track off of a massive album that had everybody talking as soon as it had come out. Also, foreshadowing…

8. Frank Ocean - “Pink Matter” channel ORANGE

Remember when I said “foreshadowing…?” Well, here’s the pay-off. It’s Andre 3000 dropping a guest verse and it is spectacular.

9. Kanye West - “Love Lockdown” 808s & Heartbreak

Some people are saying that channel ORANGE is the successor to 808s & Heartbreak. I can see how they might make the connection due to the personal nature of Kanye’s fourth album, but Ocean’s album is much better and much deeper than Kanye could ever get to.

10.Frank Ocean - “Bad Religion” channel ORANGE

Here’s a good example of the insane depth of the material on this album. This is what the pain derived from an unrequited first love sounds like.

11. Marvin Gaye - “When Did You Stop Loving Me, When Did I Stop Loving You” Here, My Dear

This is probably a better forebear to point to when looking for something to which to compare channel ORANGE. the only difference is that Gaye’s now appreciated double-LP wasn’t that well-received when it first came out.

12. Sam Cooke - “Mean Old World” Night Beat

And going even further back, this is just a beautiful song. And Billy Preston is playing the organ here.

13. Frank Ocean - “Novacane” Nostalgia, Ultra

One of the singles released off of his first mixtape. This is why Kanye called him in for Watch the Throne and why Def Jam wanted to sign him to a record deal. The rest is history.